Being an at-home parent can be incredibly isolating, but for at-home dads the isolation tends to magnify.

This isn’t news. Isolation is something every at-home parent experiences at some point, to some degree, particularly during the cold/wet winter months when going for a walk probably means looping around through the local mall. But if you’re an at-home mom, and you seek them out, there are tons of wonderful mommy groups, “moms and tots” activities, and even just general resources available to help you find fellow mommies for support, advice, or just to have an adult conversation with once in a while.

Not so for dads though, sadly. Not so at all.

When I first started being a full-time at-home dad, it happened to coincide with moving across the country so that my lovely wife could begin a new job here in the Lehigh Valley, PA. It was a very bittersweet move for us, but an exciting adventure we went into with a positive attitude. If you’ve ever made such a move, you know it really takes a while to feel “connected” to your new home, and I think that in a lot of ways I brushed off the isolation of my first few months because it was just part of the nature of moving cross-country. Would I have been less isolated if I was doing this back in the Seattle area? Probably! But when you’re a young couple with an infant son, in a new area where you know no one, don’t be surprised that you spend a lot of Friday nights at home, right? Right. That’s parenthood for you, I told myself.

But after a few months, I started really getting the itch to get out with my son more often, and for more than trips to the grocery store or to run errands with him happily in tow.  Rolling around on the living room floor with him is a blast, but I wanted him to get to play with other kids too, and I wanted to meet other parents — even just for practical reasons like harnessing them as valuable resources for good babysitters, getting hidden gem playground recommendations, etc., never mind adult conversation.

I made a few trips to some local parks, but it didn’t take long to pick up on the “looks” I would get from the inevitable huddles of moms sitting on benches visiting with one another while their kids played. I’m not a mind reader, so what they were actually thinking I can only guess, but the impression was definitely one of “please please please don’t come try to talk to us.”  I’ve never been one to care too much about what other people think, but I don’t like making other people feel uncomfortable. So, I’d leave pretty quickly.

At some point I’ll write more about the highs and lows of “mommy friends” (I have made some wonderful mommy friends, and I hope they know I appreciate them despite this entry!) but suffice to say that after being rejected by one formal group and literally uninvited from participation in another, I definitely felt the “unwelcome” message so many at-home dads experience by some mom’s groups.

It was time to specifically seek out other at-home dads, wherever they may be. This proved to be hampered somewhat by where I was now living, an area where there seems to be no existing advertised ANYTHING for at-home dads and very, very little that even tries to give lip service to being for parents and kids, not just mommies and kids.  I made a few inquiries with some friendly moms I had met and a local parenting blogger, to see if they had any suggestions on where to look. In the end I came to the conclusion that, if I was going to meet any other at-home dads by way of more than happenstance or lucky mutual acquaintance, I was going to need to do something about it myself.

As it turns out, many at-home dads are simply not looking for others of their kind, so it made it hard to know where to begin. For some it doesn’t occur to them, but for many more they actually gave up long ago after so many rejections or lack of response. Many dads are also not interested in a “man” version of what their idea of a mom’s group constitutes (accurate or not), so they don’t look for one. And many men, even men who are comfortable taking on a role they know has been traditionally filled by a woman, don’t like the “unmanly” idea of needing “support.” For some, connections to other dads through the internet is enough, if any is sought at all. But not for me, and I knew there were others out there like me. So I started what I call Club Dad Lehigh Valley, a humble Meetup.com group for local at-home dads to schedule, well . . . meet-ups.

It was (and continues to be) slow going as I wait for other dads to make the same search I had made, and find my group. Truth be told, once guys do find a group it can be like pulling teeth to get them involved. Struggling to get participation certainly isn’t unique to dad groups in this regard, and I’ll admit that if I was better at organizing things I’m sure we’d be even more active. But as of now I have a “club” of 16 other men who are at-home dads either part or full-time in the local area, and it has been GREATucker to be able to get together with them, even if just a few at a time, to swap stories or just have a friendly conversation while our kids play.

If you’re an at-home dad, by choice or by circumstance, and you’ve never sought out other at-home dads, I’d really encourage you to do so. And if you have, but found little for you, either keep trying or don’t be afraid to start something yourself. You will be surprised at how many others of your kind are floating around you unseen, similarly feeling completely isolated. I guarantee it.